How my addiction to training took a toll on my triathlon career

From a young age it was drilled into my head that I had to look a certain way as an athlete. I suffered a lot during high school which ultimately lead to an eating disorder. While the restricting only lasted 6 or so months, it still continues to play with my mind to this day. I felt the need to control something and food was no longer something I could use as an escape from my underlying mental health issues. The next best thing I could control was my training. I became obsessed. For years I have been in denial that I was addicted to training. I wouldn’t let myself miss a session. I had to have the perfect graph on Strava. I had to run at a certain pace and a certain amount of kilometres. If I took a day off I feared that I would gain weight. I denied myself rest. I abused my body. Over the years I have been able to fix some problems but it still ultimately lead me to this point of being diagnosed with RED-S (Relative Energy Deficiency in Sport). In simple terms, I was unable to fuel myself enough for my energy demands.

The whole of 2024 was nothing but a struggle and I started to really suffer. I was wondering how the hell am I supposed to continue to race if I am constantly feeling like this. I was questioning whether or not it was time for me to retire at the age of 25. I had only just started my Professional career in long course triathlon after making the switch from short course racing. 


I was getting 4-5 hours of sleep at night, working 8 hour days, trained 25 hours a week, was constantly hungry, constantly tired, put on weight, underperformed in racing and training, I had no energy on race day, I felt like I had mentally lost the plot and literally felt like I was going insane and my depression and anxiety hit an all time low. Training and racing was supposed to be my escape and make me happy and I couldn’t even enjoy that anymore. Triathlon is all I have known my whole life and I just couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was in a hole so deep that I dug myself and I felt like there was no way out. 


I was speaking to multiple friends this year trying to figure out what was going on with my body and why I felt like this. There were a couple of opportunities this year where I could have seen someone sooner, but like I said before, I have just been in denial for a long time. I thought I fixed all my problems having a forced three weeks off in May due to a mole removal but silly me decided that I wanted to get fit for my first Ironman in October. So straight off my break I was back into 20+ hours of training and fell back down that hole. I did two races in September and that feeling of having no energy came straight back on race day. It was such a horrible feeling. I was ready to throw in the towel for good this time.



Eventually towards the end of October I went and saw a Sports Doctor who diagnosed me with RED-S. I remember just breaking down crying and the first thing I thought was, shit I am going to get fat. How was I supposed to stay lean if I wasn’t training? Looking back it’s so stupid that I thought that. It took me a few weeks to come to terms with everything but I knew that if I wanted to race professionally again, I needed to get help and get better physically and mentally. Seeing a nutritionist has helped a huge amount but coming from an eating disorder in the past, it stressed me out so much having to pay attention to what I ate and how much I ate. Not only was this a stress but I was only allowed to start at 90 minutes of training a week (3x30min). While I was happy to start training again I was still trying to figure out how I could maximise my training to get lean quickly again. It is so stupid that this is the way that my mind works but I’m trying everyday to stop thinking like this. Athletes come in all shapes and sizes and I constantly remind myself that I would rather be strong than skinny and weak. So it’s no secret that I still struggle a lot with my mental health to this day but I am honestly grateful that I am able to even do the smallest amount of exercise. In the grand scheme of things, this is a small bump in the road and there is always going to be someone that has it worse than you do.




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